Broken Gnome’s Preseason Prediction
With the start of the season bearing right down on us, I find myself woefully unprepared. We can only hope that the team is much more ready for the season to kickoff on Saturday night.
For a number of reasons, I’m not too eager to try predict the outcomes of each game for the entire season. Primary among them, however, is my feeling that the ‘Bama game will set the tone for the season. A win in the Georgia dome will propel the team to a tremendous season. A loss leads to mediocrity.
As I begin this paragraph, and look at the last, there is still no clear opinion in my head about the season opener. There’s nothing to do about that, other than to just dive right in.
Alabama – After a myriad of first-game mistakes, the outcome will be determined by a field goal attempt. The kick goes wide, Clemson loses by 2, and the team’s (and fanbase’s) collective psyche is shattered.
Citadel – This easy win balances the columns at 1-1.
NC State – The Pack showed signs of life late last season, under new head coach Tom O’Brien. His rebuilding project won’t be complete this year, but that won’t stop them from starting the season 3-0 and shocking the Tigers in Death Valley.
SC State – Thank God for weak OOC games. The Tigers sawtooth their way back to .500.
Maryland – 5 games in and the kickers will all be headcases. We lose this one due to special teams.
Wake – Sitting at 2-3, the Tigers will finally start to realize that they’d better win to fucking ballgames if they’re going to get to do anything fun at the end of the season. They play up to their full potential and destroy the Deacons in Winston-Salem.
Georgia Tech – With a couple days of extra rest, the Tigers are prepared for the Jackets and are able to finally show a winning record.
Boston College – With 2 weeks of rest and little bit of successful momentum, the Tigers start strong but are quickly hobbled by key injuries in the first half. The Boston weather will be cold and miserable. The Eagles and Coach Jags come from behind to win to add insult to injury.
Florida State – Sitting at 4-4, Tommy’s job is on the line ass is on fire. How convenient, then, that Papa Bear Bowden can be there to “let” Tommy win and find some breathing room.
Duke – Duke does what Duke is supposed to do. Tigers win big.
Virginia – In my years as a grad student at UVA, I went to a handful of Clemson-UVA matchups. Clemson lost all of them. Every. Single. One. I’m going to the game this year, and Clemson will falter.
South Carolina – Tigers romp over the in-state rival, and, despite the lame 7-5 record, Tiger Town is happy because we’re still better than Sakerlina.
Bowl – Win or lose, the bowl game will be schitty. I’ll pick us to visit the new Congressional Bowl to face Navy.
Final Record: 8-5. The agony!
So there you have it, my very own preseason pessimism. Happy Monday!
As much faith as a bunch of us seem to have in Walkers predictions, I really cannot put some of these past the Tigers, but that is solely based on recent history.
OMG….I just threw up.
Seriously…..my predictions will look like I was smokin some orange colored crack! F the glasses, I was outright optimistic. Strange.
I applaud your objectivity with your projections. I hope you’re wrong, but damned if I can’t see everything on the schedule coming true.
Also, didn’t know you were a UVA grad student. I, myself, am trying to get in up there. Waitlisted last year, hope to get in to the a-school this time around.
Damn Broken, seems like your prediction was right on, right up until you forgot to include the nuclear holocauste which occurs in the 3rd quarter of the UVA game.
Thanks to your prediction I’ve been playing Russian roulette for the past 15 minutes…no luck yet. I’ll let you all know how everything turns out, maybe.
Give up on the revolver, and try it with a 9mm. That should do the trick.
So, when we win this weekend, does that change your abysmal outlook for the season?
If it happens, then yes.
LONG TIME! I have been swamped with work the past year, but figured I would come back and check this out…
that was probably one of the funniest post I have seen in a long time!
I see your reverse psychology working!
I hope you’re wrong!